New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
