I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
