i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
