Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
