I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My pussy is not your playground.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
