I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Randomize
