if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
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