i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
