She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
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I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
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it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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