Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
