i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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