Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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