Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
