It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
