It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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