im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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