Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
