The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
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Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
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I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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