So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
