There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
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