My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
