Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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