Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
