It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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