so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I will pee on everything he values.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
