you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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