My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
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I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
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You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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