Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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