I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
