I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
