It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
His nipple licking is glorious
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