the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
