Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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