matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
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every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
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(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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