My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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