Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
