In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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