We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
