So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
