I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
