What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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