I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
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It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
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He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower