Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
