is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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