If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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