Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
