when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
