you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
