apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
