Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize