I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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