so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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