you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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