I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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