on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
