a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
