He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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