im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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