mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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