Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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