Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
